Sherry Stringfield's ass in 93
I won this blog in a truth telling contest
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I bet a lot of disappointed pervs go to Disneyland After Dark
Posted:Mar 18, 2019 5:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2019 8:35 am

In Iowa the penalty for participating in an office March Madness pool is 1 year in jail (not prison) and a fine of up to $1875 . ASSUMING it's your first offence . Please check your local jurisdiction before you participate .

Yesterday I saw a listicle I thought you be fertile ground for one of my class/lazy make fun of a listcle posts - 20 signs you should worry about your sexual health . But there was nothing funny about it , it was just sad and gross .

It baffles me that for the majority of people it seems that sex is an integral part of a relationship . My brain tells me that if you love someone but they're not into hardcore PIV you should just be able to masturbate and be happy that you found someone - but that doesn't seem to be the case .

I remember being utterly disgusted by a lady at who said that she was divorcing her husband not because she didn't love him but because he was no good in bed . That's insane to me . I have to assume she didn't really love him because nothing else makes sense to me .

The thing that makes it really weird to me is that most couples report their sex lives aren't satisfying anyway - so what are they getting all upset about ?

It's been a long time since Adam Sandler has done anything worthwhile , actually it's been quite a while since he's done anything that wasn't aggressively awful , but Conan O'Brien was talking up his new Netflix special so I checked it out . It was decently funny , which by the standards of what he's done since the 90s is high praise indeed .

Towards the end he did a tribute to Chris Farley . He died more than 20 years ago . It got me to wondering , if/when one of my close friends die how much will it still impact me 20 years later ? Oh , BTW if I didn't mention it the dude who was a super jerk to me in the parking lot at my work died of a heart attack recently . For real .

Patton Oswald is pretty hit-miss for me when it comes to stand-up to the point where I don't bother to watch his stuff anymore but I am curious about his special Annihilation which is the one he did after his wife died . I haven't watched it yet and I may not ever because I'm not sure how I feel about that , but I did watch an interview where he talked about it and he said something interesting .

He talked about how you're programmed to think that when you lose someone close to you that you're in horrible anguish but what you don't get prepared for is the numbness . He talked about how for months after his wife died he'd get up , make his daughter breakfast , take her to school , sit in the car waiting for her to get done with school , take her home , help her with homework , make dinner , put her to bed , and then do the exact same thing the next day . Just the same thing over and over again without ever really feeling anything or talking to anyone . He said at some point he wonder if he was the one that had died and that this is what death was .

Back in the 90s there was a syndicated TV show called Amazon that was about a plane crashing in a remote part of the Amazon (title drop ! ) and the survivors dealing with the weirdo tribe that was there - which was the descendants of other people that had been trapped there going back to the 1500s . It was kind of a Bermuda triangle situation . I enjoyed that show but I bet it's awful .

I wonder if that show had any hand in inspiring Lost .

I wonder if first run syndication is even still a thing .

I feel like I could be a writer on a first run syndicated show . But I'm probably wrong .
Defiant to the end
Posted:Mar 16, 2019 10:40 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2019 8:08 am

For a hot Texas minute at the turn of the millennia lady boxing was a thing people cared about . At the height of this fad a lady wrestler and a lady cagefighter have some kind of legit beef so they decided to have a boxing match . I remember this being on NBC but I feel like that can't be true , it must have been on Fox right ?

For four rounds the wrestling lady absolutely lambasted the cagefighting lady - it was pretty hard to watch . You know how in a Rocky movie or other boxing movie the matches show 10,000% more punches than land in a real boxing match ? It was like that - although is was mostly one sided . The match was stopped after the 4th round because the cagefighting lady had a cut they couldn't stop from bleeding .

But she never quit . She kept answering the bell . Now I understand that part of the cultural spirit we're trying to build here says that this should be admired - she didn't quit , she didn't back down , she had grit , guts , determination , etc. But realistically that's just stupid right ? I'm no doctor but I would wager my X-Men Gold #17 that she suffered some kind of brain trauma from that . I mean what is the point really ?

At the time I didn't know much of anything about MMA and I still don't know a lot , but I'm given to understand that generally speaking they train in 3 disciplines - grappling , whatever martial art they think is cool , and you know , boxing . So in retrospect I wonder why this lady was so wide open the entire fight - honestly it looked like she had no idea how to protect herself - she kept getting blasted in the face time and time again . I suppose at that time the whole MMA scene was a little more loose and maybe she didn't have a ton of training .

Around this same time there was a short-lived reality show about lady kickboxers . The climax of the show was them going to Thailand , where kickboxing is a big deal , and fighting in some bouts there . There was one lady who after 30 seconds it was clear she was hopelessly outmatched and she bailed on the fight after the first round . And she was mocked and ridiculed for being a quitter quite soundly . At the time I was one of those people who sneered at her lack of fighting spirit . But I see now that I'm older and wiser that there's literally NO reason to get a savage beating from a Thai woman like that .

I mean my buddy Sparky pays money for that but that's a whole different scenario .

I get why as a nation we we need to socialize braver so young dudes will go fight wars for us when we want them to , but I wonder what it is about our psychology that makes it so appealing . It can't be evolution because the sneaky coward gene is going to live long enough to procreate a lot more than the brave warrior gene . I mean when the saber toothed hippo shows up to eat the clan of the cave walrus the guy who rushes out to fight it is the guy that doesn't pass on his hero genes .

So why do we like it so much when the square-jawed hero stands on the bridge and says "You shall not pass !" to the ravening horde of leather-clad mutants ?

Someone has been captured and incapacitated . What do they do , cooperate with their captor or beg to be spared ?

Hell no .

They make it abundantly clear that they have absolutely no respect for their captor . They'd never Kneel Before Zod in a million years and they're not afraid in the slightest to say so . Sure , Baron Bloodlust could kill them where they stand if he decided to , but you wouldn't know that from the insults . This is done when a defeated character laughs or snarks at the one who beat them , often when they're in no position to do so , possibly broken in pain on the floor or behind bars . This could even be for something that has absolutely nothing to do with them . They just can't let the other character get a complete victory .

SUPER ULTRA MEGA SPOILERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As you all know I gave up on the Walking Dead some time ago but when I heard they were going to kill off Rick Grimes I wanted to see how that would go down so I watched a couple episodes leading up to his last episode . It started out promisingly enough - he did something stupid like the characters in that show do constantly and he actually paid for it . It was a little cliche to have him hallucinate seeing all the beloved characters that had died but it was nice too .

And then they RUINED it . Him blowing up the bridge in a unnecessary heroic sacrifice was lame to begin with AND THEN HE DIDN'T EVEN DIE !!!! They show him flying off in a fucking helicopter .

They suckered me back in and then sucked worse than ever .

Speaking of , as you've heard me complain about Shameless is really starting to go downhill and as further proof Fiona's exit was a HUGE disappointment . Not only did she not die she just left basically for no reason and with no build up at all .

Why are TV writers such pussies ? If someone is leaving the show I want that character to die . Horribly die preferably .
Sexy time sex poll about sex
Posted:Mar 15, 2019 6:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 18, 2019 5:18 pm

Privacy is a fundamental human right, and is central to the maintenance of democratic societies.
Not sure
9 Comments , 29 votes
Insert freedom speech from Braveheart here
Posted:Mar 12, 2019 5:36 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2019 8:35 am

Some people think that movie is better than the Patriot . I wish them well .

For maximum freedom there should be ZERO regulations for ANYTHING . If a fellow American should make a product that kills me , well friend , I should’ve read the fine print . And do you know what it woulda said ?

“Sorry if you die from this , I’m just living the American Dream .”

Nuff said

Why do you think genies are such jerks ? It's been well and truly established that any wish you make they'll twist evilly to hurt your feelings but why ? There's tons of literary examples along with movies and TV but I've seen this behavior in real life . One time an efreet offered by friend 5151 an wish and she wished that she would never have to work again - the next day she was fired and blacklisted . One time a marid offered my friend Fausto a wish and he asked for world peace - so the genie gave him a piece of the world . My friend Bramanda asked to be a sex object and she was turned into a butt plug . My friend Slater Heath asked for riches and a bunch of dudes named Rich turned up and then sued him for not taking care of them . My buddy socks asked to live forever and was transported to the big bang because he said FOREVER so he had to start at the beginning .

I endeavored to find this out so I went up to the attic and dug out the old water bottle I found in '03 that had a genie in it - I had never messed with it before because I know the deal but I was willing to risk it for science . So I rubbed the water bottle (if you know what I mean) and a genie appeared . I wished for a lower interest rate on my house and you know what this guy did ? He made all the stuff in my house disappear and said "You're rate of interest in this house just went way down didn't it ?"

So I said to him "Is that really what you thought I meant ?" And he admitted that no , he knew exactly what I meant , so I asked him why he was being a dick about it and he said it was because he was sick of people coming up to him and asking him for wishes all the time .

And I says to him I says "You initiated this whole thing . I freed you from the old water bottle and the first thing you said was that you would grant me a wish - I didn't ask you for anything before you offered ."

And he said that I he meant in a general way , that most people harass him for wishes and he got sick of it centuries ago .

"Well that's not fair" I said "I didn't do that to you , you're punishing me for what other people did ? What kind of a way is that to be ?"

And the genie said "You probably would have wished for more wishes anyway - everyone does that and I hate it !"

"But you just saw me not do that " I protested "you said one wish and I wished for a lower mortgage rate . I didn't ask for more wishes . You're doing the same thing - you're taking your issues out on me for stuff other people did ."

The genie started getting real defensive then and starting trying to spin some tale about how they perverted wishes to teach us a lesson .

"How is that helpful ? Wishes aren't a thing we deal with outside the context of genies , the only time we get wishes are from you guys - so what's the use of trying to teach us this lesson ? That's like me randomly punching people on the bus to teach them that I shouldn't be allowed on the bus - it makes no sense ."

The genie started getting all hot under the collar then and I'm not proud to admit that we both said some nasty things but then he said "Yeah well Kazaam sucked !"

And I says "Yeah , that's fair , I understand why you mess with us now ."

This was all just for fun of course (and maybe a lower interest rate) because obviously we all know why genies don't like humans . Genies were gods original creation and they didn't take kindly to the fact that after Maramus started kill them all god was too busy creating us to help them much . Being abandoned by your creator is bad enough but then getting your ass kicked and being replaced ? You can scarcely blame them .

What wishes have you or someone you know turned out wicked ?
Has anyone told you you'd look better as a brunette ? (66 Taquitos)
Posted:Mar 11, 2019 5:22 pm
Last Updated:Mar 12, 2019 5:07 pm

Yeah , yeah

Ayo , kitties , it's time
It's time , kitties (aight , kitties , begin)
Straight out the rolled dungeons of

The beep drops deep as does my taquito
I never roll , 'cause to roll is the son of pepito
Beyond the walls of taquitos , life is defined
I think of taquitos when I'm in a fridge state of mind

Hope the peptito got some gauco
My smoko don't like no dirty conoco
Run up to the rocco and get the mako

In a fridge state of mind
What more could you ask for ? The baked cheese ?
You complain about not having taquitos
I gotta love it though - somebody still speaks for the bonito

I'm rappin' to the sour cream
And I'm gonna move your chicken

Fried , tortillaed , sexy like a flauta
Boy, I tell you , I thought you were a mata

I can't take the not having tacquitos , can't take the chicken.
I woulda tried to bake I guess I got no stricken

I'm rappin' to the chicken
And I'm gonna move your sour cream

Yea , yaz , in a fridge state of mind

When I was young my son I had a tease
I waz kicked out without no freeze
I never thought I'd see that ease
Ain't a soul alive that could take my taquito seize

A great goat is quite the coat

Thinking of taquitos , Yaz , thinking of taquitos (taquitos)
I get bored with people easily because I'm so smart
Posted:Mar 10, 2019 12:42 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2019 5:12 pm

Guys here how smart I am . I read BOOKS . While you rest of you drooling troglodytes are mashing your lumpy genitals together and staring mesmerized at Netflix and Youtube videos of people eat Tide Pods I'm READING . Books about history and philosophy and problems facing the world . I can talk intelligently about all these things while you can only tell me what Kardashian is sharing her vagina with what C-list celebrity currently .

I don't even OWN a television . I cal it television because TV is a nickname and nicknames are for friends and television is no friend of mine . I don't even KNOW anything about pop culture . I know things about bronze age trading routes . Do you even know what the bronze age is ? I doubt it but I bet you can name all the winners of the Bachelor you syphilitic ignoramus .

People try to make small talk with me and it's just so boring - everything they say is so facile . They don't reveal anything about themselves or take any risks in what they're so - I can't even pay attention . It's like listening to the mewling of a drunk kitten .

I listen to NPR . I'm hearing about what's going on in the world while you're wasting your time with podcasts about murders . Do you even know what's going on with tin mining right now ? I doubt it , but I bet you can sing all the lyrics to Ariana Grande's 7 Rings you slack-jawed pinhead .

I only listen to JAZZ and CLASSIC music . It's about the notes they DON'T play . While you're trying to clean barf-stains out of your Guns and Roses wirebeater I'm composing my own music , I'm arranging . I'm a creator .

Uncreative people are just so awful . They're living un-lifes . Going to work every day and sitting in their cubicals and typing away like rat zombies in a geodesic dome of banality . I could NEVER do that . I'm too creative and interesting . If you're not an artist what is the point of you being alive ? I suppose someone has to work at the factory where they make my Pixel . Keep having kids you overfed chunkmonsters .

I've been to LONDON . Do you even know where that is ? I don't know if you can understand this but to get there I had to get on a plan and go across the ocean . A plane is flying machine and an ocean is like a lake so big that you can't see the other side of it even with your Scooby-Doo viewmaster .

I talk LOUDLY about politics .

I know about WINE .

I've been to the OPERA .

I quote Shakespeare .

I know so much I don't even know where to begin .

In a lake there is a patch of lily pads . Every day , the patch doubles in size . If it takes 48 days for the patch to cover the entire lake , how long would it take for the patch to cover half of the lake ?

Your response is probably to take a shortcut and to divide the final answer by half . That leads you to twenty-four days . But that’s wrong . The correct solution is forty-seven days moron .

I'm one of the smartest people alive probably and the only reason I work at a small to mid sized failing insurance company is because everyone is jealous of my intelligence and works against me .
Name a female superhero other than Wonder Woman
Posted:Mar 9, 2019 3:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2019 5:10 pm

You might be able to but it probably takes a moment of thought .

Currently in the DNGP community (Dork , nerd , geek , poindexter) there is a savage and wildly incoherent debate raging about Captain Marvel . And let me tell you , there's really nothing like a bunch of neckbeards in XXXL Deadpool jerseys arguing about gender politics . They've backed off on it a little but for a while they were pushing the fact that Captain Marvel is the first MCU movie with a female lead and anything about "feminism" always gets people riled up .

There's a variety of arguments being throw out , one of this is that the movie shouldn't have been made because Captain Marvel isn't an A-List Marvel comic character .

I find this interesting for a variety of reasons . Firstly , because Marvel has no A-list female characters . And for that matter aside from Wonder Woman neither does DC . With the success of the Avengers movies maybe some people would say Black Widow and maybe a few would say Scarlet Witch , maybe a handful would even say Jessica Jones - but really aside from the big W there's not much in the way of female super-people with strong brand recognition .

More importantly though that argument is impotent because it doesn't matter - Marvel has their formula figured out . They do A , they do B , they do C and the make a billion damn dollars . It doesn't matter who's in the movies anymore . I mean the Guardians of the Galaxy ? Most comic people didn't even know them and that movie was a massive success . Ant-Man , Dr. Strange , Black Panther - this is not the cream of the Marvel crop and those movies made 7 bajillion dollars combined I'm pretty sure .

Marvel doesn't need A-list characters , they just need to barf out a movie a few months and drive their dump-trunk full of million dollar bills to the bank . They could make a Demolition Man movie starring Jack Black and it would be the highest grossing film since Titanic . They could make 3D Man starring Owen Wilson and it would win an Oscar . They've making a TV show about Dazzler and Tygra - they can do whatever they want . They could make a movie where I play Spider-Man and my costume is the Spider-Man PJs I had when I was 8 and the villain is parking meter with a mask on it it would be a moderate success .

I keep waiting for the bubble to burst but until it does Marvel can make a movie about anything and everything .

I mean Jake Gyllenhall looks utterly ridiculous as Mysterio and that movie will be a smash hit .

Anyway , I went and saw Captain Marvel today and the dude sitting next to me clapped when it said "Thanks Stan" at the beginning and cried during the scene where Captain Marvel learns that the power was inside her all along . I feel no shame in judging him .


Unless you like seeing a cat hack up a hairball don't bother staying for the second post-credit scene .

If you do like watching a cat hack up a hairball I have no problem judging you either .
A sucker punching rabbit
Posted:Mar 8, 2019 5:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 11, 2019 5:09 pm

It was recently demonstrated to through visual evidence there's a very strong possibility this is not my original reality . How I got here is unknown but the most likely culprit is passing through a wormhole .

first I thought this must have happened fairly recently but upon further reflection there's no reason to believe . The only thing I can say for sure is I was in my original dimension in 1999 .

My initial reaction to this revelation was I should probably try to find out when I crossed over but quickly I realized it really doesn't matter - here now and things are so similar I didn't notice possibly for 19 . But then I changed my mind again and realized doesn't mean there might be some horrible surprises coming my way .

The me from this reality might be a serial killer who leaves no trace right ? How would I know just from stepping into this world ? He might be a drug smuggler . Maybe he did all kinds of bad shit no one I see regularly knows about . Maybe he went to Majorca every three and sacrificed a buffalo to almighty Zeus .

But even setting aside his life actually could have been way different without noticing - I mean how much of your past do you interact with on a day to day basis ? Not much .

I think if I were to write about this the first act would be him slowly coming to the realization it had happened . The second act would be him getting insanely obsessed with figuring out when/why/how it happened to the point it's ruining his life and everyone things he's crazy . In the third act he would to accept there's nothing he can do about it so he should just live whatever life he has . not sure if 's a very satisfying conclusion though .

So if you're talking to sometime about something we did together or something I said or just some event in the past and I don't know what you're talking about it's because I wasn't here for , if it happened after 1999 . Or I just forgot about it .

It would be interesting if the time I crossed over to this world was on the stoke of midnight on 1999 - seems like a hook people would enjoy .

Going back to framing this as a story I think if it was a movie the final scene would be the guy basically being convinced he's crazy and he isn't from another world - and then he finds a photograph came over with him proves he is . Roll credits .

One time a lady asked me what I thought about her getting a boob job and I said I don't think cosmetic surgery is ever a good idea since even though it's relatively safe there is a risk , because you know , it's surgery - and it didn't seem worth it purely for vanity . This upset her greatly . still not sure why but I assume it's either because she really wanted to do it and wanted affirmation or because she was fishing for compliments .

The only thing worse accepting a compliment is giving one . I apologize to everyone .

Princess Peach v Princess Zelda

Result Princess Peach wins

While Zelda is magically potent , Peach's magical powers can least match her blow for blow (so to speak) . Zelda's trump card, her Light Arrow, can be negated by Peach's Anger Magic . Where Peach truly carries the advantage is in the physical strengths in she has a varied arsenal , is shown to be much more athletic and has a 's powerful enough to cause decapitation .

He-Man v Lion-O

Result He-Man wins

He-Man's strength easily overpowers Lion-O's and He-Man is just as fast , if not faster . He-Man is more than strong enough to destroy the Sword of Omens , leaving Lion-O vulnerable and his Power Sword can deflect all the energy blasts fired by the Sword of Omens . This would leave the Eye of Thundera's impressive magical energies as Lion-O's only trump card , but by the time it gets far , Lion-O would already be in serious danger .

The Incredible Hulk v Doomsday

Result Doomsday wins

The Hulk has the advantage in strength while Doomsday has the edge in speed , making the battle fairly evenly matched were it not for a quirk of Hulk's powers . Even transformed , the Hulk's physiology is human and due to the way the human body processes anger , Hulk's strength is a by-product of his healing factor . If Hulk's healing factor is over-taxed by taking enough damage the Hulk begins to lose his strength and is rendered vulnerable . Doomsday's speed , combat prowess and immense strength make him more than able to overtax Hulk's healing factor and weaken him enough to kill . Doomsday is also immune to most ways the Hulk could potentially kill him , having been defeated repeatedly by Superman and the Justice League and evolving to be invulnerable pretty much any form of brute strength .

Megazord v Voltron

Result Voltron wins

While the Power Rangers and their Megazord possess the superior close-range combat skills , Voltron outclasses the Megazord almost everywhere else . Voltron can travel between planets in less than a day , allowing it to easily outmaneuver the comparatively sluggish Megazord. Voltron has demonstrated a feat of strength 5.5 times greater than the Megazord's feats and Voltron has survived forces equivalent to a black hole , while far more powerful Zords have been broken apart by far weaker forces . None of the Power Rangers' other Megazords have close to matching Voltron's feats either . In addition, Voltron has a larger arsenal of ranged weapons , giving it a tactical advantage .

Smokey the Bear v McGruff the Crime Dog

Result Smokey wins

McGruff has advantages in speed and his smaller frame would be difficult for Smokey to but this is counterbalanced by Smokey being a bear , and thus having far greater physical strength ; these also serve as the only way McGruff had the edge on Smokey in the fight . Beyond this , the vaster differences lie in their abilities ; both combatants are capable of manipulating the flow of time , but only Smokey can interact with the world around him in the process . Smokey can also change his size and grow large enough to dwarf mountains . Ultimately , Smokey has advantages in both natural physique and additional skills to be more than a match for McGruff .

Thor v Wonder Woman

Result Wonder Woman wins

Both combatants were evenly-matched in terms of their experience , weaponry , and super modes but Wonder Woman's reaction speed — capable of deflecting projectiles fired from across the universe and catching a foe ahead of her in time — far eclipsed Mjölnir's highest known speed when thrown . Thor is capable of withstanding a bomb capable of destroying planets , giving him the edge in durability , but Wonder Woman has moved the planet Earth itself ; a feat eight thousand times greater than Thor lifting the Midgard Serpent . Lastly , while Mjölnir is a highly destructive weapon , it is incapable of cutting or piercing , injuries Diana would be susceptible to ; by comparison , Diana's Sword of Athena is sharp enough to cut on a molecular level and has previously killed demigods and other similar deities , meaning Thor has little resistance against a direct strike from it .
Get that ass ready to go
Posted:Mar 5, 2019 5:49 pm
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2019 5:17 pm

I started watching Escape at Dannemora and I think I'll like it BUT (remember that phase where I tried replacing the word but with a picture of a butt ? No one liked that) I have a pet peeve already . Benecio Del Toro's character is supposed to be a great painter but the paintings they show are the same quality you generally see from those trendy "come get wasted and paint" things the ladyfolk do these days - it's not awful but it's not anything you should be drooling over and commenting on it's masterfulness . I can get over it , but it seems like such a weird detail to overlook . I mean this isn't a low budget indy film - it doesn't cost that much to get a decent painting that someone would pay money for which . Come on Ben Stiller get it together .

Yeah , Ben Stiller made that - who saw that coming ? The dude from Along Came Polly made Escape at Dunnemora . Explain that .

My other initial observation about this work is that Patricia Arquette's boobs are out of control . She obviously put on some weight for this role and maybe she's one of those women where it all goes straight to the boobs but even so what the heck is going on ? Can they give you injections to make your boobs bigger temporarily ? What is going on ? I've seen Patricia Arquette before , many times , and she was walking around with those things swinging around . What is Hollywood doing ? And how are they doing it ?

Which leads me to wonder , the butt double is a long and storied tradition in Hollywood , is there such a thing as a boob double ?

40 it's called a body double

No , I feel like that's different . A body double usually doesn't show much right ? They're like in the shower or in a dense fogbank or something - I'm talking about like a pinch-hitter for the cleavage close ups .

Yeah 40 , body double .

Shut up you ! Although that scene where the boobs really come into play in the first episode was FUCKED up . It's interesting how the internet is kind of whatever because you expect to see fucked up shit there but when you see it on 'real' media it seems 1000 times worse .

Speaking of a lady on twitter was saying how she would never date a man under 6 feet tall and people started roasting her with comments about her weight . Which is shitty but also you know , didn't she kind of start it ? Does thinking that make me part of the problem ?

I wonder what the stunt doubles of the world think about the butt doubles . "Hey yeah , you look kind of like Zoe Saldana so we're going to set you on fire and throw you off a building , and you , you have a great ass so get that ass ready for a close up ." I don't know why but I would wager that the butt double gets paid more .

Remember that scene in Bowfinger when they're looking for a butt double for Kit Ramsey and Steve Martin goes "So we need a guy with a fabulous ass , and mine's the wrong color !" I do . I love that movie . And I don't care who knows .

Speaking of somehow (I really have no idea how) a boss at work found out that I play D&D and started calling me Dungeon Master . I REALLY don't like it . I admit to being a bad sport in general but the thing that sucks about being a bad sport (besides everything) is that you can't admit that you're a bad sport because good natured ribbing can very easily switch over to mean-spirited ribbing . So you kind of just have to go along with it .

I'd like to see a movie about butt/boob/body doubles . I wonder how that comes about and if that's like their main thing or if they're just models and that's a side gig . Or if they're actors but they can't break into the real roles . It's akin to my desire to see a doc about softcore porn - it's just such a weird concept to me I want to know who these people are and what their story is . Can you make a career out of having a sweet ass or do you need a day job ? Do you tell all your friends to go see the movie your ass is in ? Is there a guild of butt people ? These are the things I want to know .

I get really moronic e-mails at work from a company that sells corporate "games" for teambuilding and crap like that . I get a good chuckle out of how silly and OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive the stuff is . Today they were hocking fidget spinners and they gave the Five Factors for Fabulous Finger Fidgets -

1 - Not distracting

2 - Quiet

3 - Durable

4 - Interesting movements

5 - Pleasurable feel

If I was still putting together profiles for dating sites that is 100% what I would use . BUT can you guess if I would put that for what I AM or what am LOOKING for ?

Also I feel like #2 is superfluous given #1 which makes no sense because Four Factors for Fabulous Finger Fidgets has just as much alliteration .

Remember when Gawker suggested that Halle Berry uses Brad Pitt's butt double ? I do .
1 comment
One fine day
Posted:Mar 4, 2019 4:39 pm
Last Updated:Mar 6, 2019 5:02 pm

Today at work I was talking to a dude and not in the middle of the sentence but in the middle of a thought apropos of nothing he says to me he says "I graduated from Yale" which threw me off slightly . After a pause I said "neat" and then continued talking about the thing we were talking about . I couldn't read the expression on his face but he clearly did not get the response he wanted .

It reminded me of my friend Presto who would try to hit on women but was horrible at it and as a last ditch effort would say "I have a big dick !" That wasn't a very successful tactic .

One day when I was 12 or so I was waiting for the school bus after school and the only other kid waiting was someone I didn't know wearing a boy scout uniform . I think he was a little younger than me but he was a big kid . While we were waiting for the bus a yellow muscle car of some kind pulled up with two women in it . The one in the passenger seat kind of hung out the window , took a drag on a cigarette and said "you boys want a ride ?" I said "no" and the boy scout shook his head . After a moment she said "You want to see something funny ? " and without waiting for a response she flashed her tits and then they peeled out . The boy scout started wailing crying like it was the worst thing ever .

One day a lady and a dude were talking and she mentioned that her back had been hurting lately and her dude said "Maybe it's because of the extra 15 pounds you put on" . And the messed up part is he wasn't trying to be a douche - he really thought he was helping and felt super bad when her reaction was predictably poor . How could anyone be so stupid ? I mean at this point how can anyone make that mistake ? Also , is 15 pounds even enough to cause back issues ?

One day I was having a stickfight with the local kids (which if you're not familiar is what it sounds like - wailing on each other with sticks) and my buddy Kendo decided to pick up a rock and try to hit it with his stick - which he did , he nailed that rock , right into Hayes' ball bag . It was so bad he had to go to the hospital . I found out last week that as an adult he can't have kids . But that was like in 1986 - if you get a hard rock to the nads in 2019 can they fix you ?

Remember that time they rebooted One Day At a Time on Netflix ? I do .

Did you ever read that book One Day in December ? It was pretty good .

Do you think one day we'll find it ? The rainbow connection ? The lovers , the dreamers and me ?

Remember that movie One Day ? It wasn't very good . A lot of people complained about Anne Hathaway's accent . I don't understand why they cast people to try different accents . I also don't understand why anyone cares - just have them use their normal speaking voice if you want to cast someone who doesn't have the right accent .

One day I was talking to a lady about various horror movies and I realized that nothing good happens to someone who is reluctant to go to a party but allows themselves to be coaxed into going . Nothing . So if someone asks if you want to go to a party either be super pumped about it or don't go .

One day all of this will be yours

One day this pain will be useful

One day this sadness will fossilize and you'll forget how to cry
Fuck. Marry. Kill.
Posted:Mar 3, 2019 7:30 am
Last Updated:Mar 4, 2019 4:24 pm

George Costanza
Cosmo Kramer
Jerry Seinfeld
Kill George , Marry Kramer , Fuck Jerry
Kill George , Fuck Kramer , Marry Jerry
Marry George , Kill Kramer , Fuck Jerry
Marry George , Fuck Kramer , Kill Jerry
Fuck George , Kill Kramer , Marry Jerry
Fuck George , Marry Kramer , Kill Jerry
10 Comments , 11 votes
Put on your work boots and your mourning gown
Posted:Feb 24, 2019 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Feb 25, 2019 2:39 pm

One time there was a book written by Elmore Leonard called Get Shorty . It's pretty good if you like Elmore Leonard . Which I do . But I can see why people might not like this writing . One thing people often say about his writing is that it depicts the criminal underbelly very realistically - which is funny because the people saying that are people who have no idea what the criminal underbelly is like . It's akin to when someone says that something in Game of Thrones is unrealistic - yeah , because it's all made up you goof .

Later there was a movie made called Get Shorty that was pretty much like the book . I think it's a great movie despite the fact that it stars John Travolta and Danny DeVito . One thing I say about that movie is that I like how is portrays a shylock - I don't know if it's realistic or not but it makes more sense to me that a loan shark doesn't bust people's legs if they're late on a payment because how are they going to get the money with a busted leg ? There's no money in ripping off someone's fingernails . The main rule seemed to be not to loan money to someone who didn't have something you could take - makes sense to me .

I just started watching a "TV" program called Get Shorty . I was hesitant at first because Chris O'Dowd is the main guy , who I like , but I wasn't sure if I could buy him as a hardcase gangster . It's good though , so far anyway . I was wondering if the show would be a continuation of the book/movie but it's more or less unrelated . The basic idea is the same - a gangster goes to LA to make a movie - but everything has been changed , it's not about the same people or the same plot or anything . So , I ask you , why call it Get Shorty ? Most people haven't even heard of that book or movie so why ?

Besides which , the book/movie is called Get Shorty because there's a character in the book called Shorty that people were , you know , trying to get . So unless there's a wild change in direction the title has nothing to do with the show at all . I don't know why "they" do that . The movie Bladerunner has nothing to do with the book . Same with I am Legend . Same with World War Z . Same with the entire Bourne series . Same with I , Robot . Same with Jonah Hex . Same with Lawnmower Man . Same with the Mask . Same with the Postman . Why not just call it something else ?

Best case scenario the person watching the movie has never heard of it - how does help ?

Did you know that Basic Instinct was written in 13 days as a joke . The writer was like "I'm going to write the worst script I can based on stuff I know will be turned in a movie and it'll make a ton of money" . And it did . Is there any more parodied scene than Sharon Stone flashing her snatch ?

Which reminds me , there's a TV series called Snatch that again has nothing to do with the movie . I've heard it's not very good .

Did you know that the Blair Witch Project is the movie that has had the most porn parodies made of it ? I didn't . I would have never guessed that . I would have guessed Star Wars but for a long time George Lucas attacked anyone who did that so maybe it makes a little sense . But even setting that aside who would have suspected that there would be so many Blair Witch Project porn movies ? Not me .

Sadly the Bare Witch Project which has the best title is softcore - who's going to waste their time with that ?

Did you know that the highest grossing movie filmed in Canada is The Day After Tomorrow ? I didn't . I don't even know anyone who's seen that movie . I also didn't know the chick from Shameless was in that movie .
No me puedo creer que seas amiga con una muchacha desagradable como Maya
Posted:Feb 21, 2019 5:12 pm
Last Updated:Feb 24, 2019 12:34 pm

The New York Toy Fair is going on right now and one thing that announced was lucha versions of DC heroes and villains . I mean a lucha Batman ? Are they reading my god damn mind ?!?! But before I could order 20 of them a part of my brain that's gaining more and more power as the years go by said "Yeah it's cool , but who cares ? Do you need MORE comic book/Star Wars/Star Trek/Firefly/mad Max/wrestling/roleplaying/whatever stuff laying around ? So you buy the Lucha Batman (and lucha Cheetah) and it then sits on a shelf with all your other crap ? How is that better than NOT buying it ?"

Which is a fair point . I don't need more crap gathering dust no matter how cool it is . I mean I already have 5 Harly Quinn statuettes - I think I've made my point (that point being I should never see a vagina IRL ) . My point is the upcoming series of DC heroes and villains as post-apocalyptic scavengers looks AMAZING .

One time there was this movie called the 40 Year Old Virgin . You've probably never heard of it . There was an ensemble cast that never really did anything else you'd have heard of either . In this movie the titular Virgin has a substantial collection of action figures and toys and the like . At the climax of the movie he marries the hypnotist from Get Out and in order to pay a shit-ton of money on an lavish wedding he sells all (or most , it's unclear) of his collection and accumulates said shit-ton of money . At this lavish wedding the guy from Unsupervised says to his wife that they need to "buy some toys" .

At first I was like "that's a dumb thing to say" because the toys were valuable because they were old and rare , you can't go buy a Harry Potter figure now and expect it to be worth anything . But then I realized that he meant for their kids - because by the time they were his age they might be worth something .

If I had invested all my bean walking money in zinc in 1986 I would be rich now . Instead I bought Transformers like a fucking moron . Even if they were in their original packaging they'd only be worth about $18,000 now . And I was even stupider because I played with them , thereby making them worthless . Stupid young me , I hate that guy . If I had a time machine I'd go back and punch that little ratfaced loser in the stomach . And then buy a bunch of zinc and bury it somewhere I could find it now . Probably on my grandma's farm I guess .

She wouldn't recognize future me back then though so I might get shot at . I suppose I'd have to bury it at night . Ugh , night burying am I right ?

One time there was this movie called the Toy . The premise is that there's this rich kid who's a super-mega-ultra asshole so his father does the only thing he can do - buys him more shit . While they're at the store at night so they don't have to be around gross poor people he sees Richard Pryor playing with some kind of human hamster ball and he says "I want that" . And after some comedic confusion they understand that he means Richard Prior not the human hamster ball . And the dad is rich so he makes it happen .

At the time people were like "whoa , that is NOT cool , that's like slavery" but the kid didn't literally buy Richard Pryor , he just used his money to humiliate and degrade someone who had no choice because they didn't have any money . Who happened to be non-white . And Richard Prior is the one who made the movie so . . . dunno ?

It's a fun lesson about capitalism though . I for one welcome our corporate masters and remind them often of my loyalty .

My uncle who passed away recently used to like to tell the story of how one time he and his buddy Jim-Jam came over to my parents house when I was a kid and I had all my Star Wars guy set up in an elaborate battle scene/tableau . So they started playing with all my cool shit and I was HORRIFIED .

I remember the first time I went over to my friend Rickroll's house when I was a kid and I was SHOCKED and APPALLED that he had all his different toys in a big heap . GI Joes were touching Thundercats and Gobots were touching Sec-Tars it was anarchy . I've never had a panic attack but that was pretty close .

GI Joes (the little ones not the old timey 12 inchers) had little holes in their feet so you could put them on little pegs on the vehicles and they'd stay on . But a little known fact was that you could also buy little shims with pegs on them so you could set them up in various action scenes - as I did often . One time I carelessly tried to remove one of them and the peg snapped off in the Joe's foot-hole . Tragedy . Clearly I had to buy a new one . I was more careful about it after that but my sisters saw how much this upset me so they would break the pegs off in the Joe foot-holes if I wasn't around to protect them . So I took to hiding them . Which wasn't as much fun as playing with them but at least they were safe .

The coolest toy I ever had was a Godzilla figure that was a good 2 feet high and had a little toggle that would make him "breath fire" . It was awesome even though having it is how I learned I am TERRIBLE at crafts because I tried to make a scale-city for him to terrorize .

One time my sister was having her girl scout troupe over and for reasons I can't remember and can't even come up with a theory on now they were going to have their meeting in my room . I was banished to go bike riding with my dad . I was fretting the whole time . I had hidden Godzilla in the closet under a bunch of coats but would it be enough ?

Of course it wasn't . When I got home not only did they break off Godzilla's head to add insult to injury they also broke the toggle and the "fire" stream .

The second coolest toy I ever had was a resin cast shark that I got on vacation in Texas . So of course on the last day of our vacation my sister threw it in the ocean . I don't think I ever cried that much ever before or since . My parents had to drag me out of the water as I searched frantically for it .

You're probably thinking "dude you care too much about stuff , you need to be Zen man" . To which I say fuck you you poser .

Some people have asked me if I wrecked my sisters stuff to get revenge which I did not for two reasons . One they were animals who ruined all their own stuff anyway . The state of their Barbies was deplorable . And two that wold have done no good anyway . No matter how many Strawberry Shortcakes I would have burned in the firepit that was never going to bring back Zap (the two handed bazooka version) .

I had the telescoping lightsaber Darth Vader (now worth 30 grand) , I had the vinyl cape Jawa (20 grand) , I had the Emperor with the walking stick and the Yoda with the cloth cape (both 10 grand) .

Remember how awful the ECW wrestling action figures were ? I do .

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